It Is A Wonderful Day
by Apparentlee
Summary: In which Jack is clueless, Barbossa is a pacifist, Beckett is really small, Will is a crybaby, and Elizabeth is a slut. Everyone is in this, even the authoress and her nephew! Read the story. Will be in movie form by summer. Not really.
1. It Is A Wonderful Day

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or anyone involved with it.

A/N: I was thinking that I was very bored, so I did this. Reviews are great, you could say: "Hey, I like your story you rock!" or "You suck! Your story sucks and you could die for all I care, just don't make anymore stories. But I like the "You rock" one cause that makes me happy!

It Is A Wonderful Day

"It is a wonderful day," Captain Jack Sparrow -- "Don't forget the Captain!" Captain Jack said off to the side, making the authoress pissed beyond reason.

_Do you want to go back to Davy Jone's Locker?! _The authoress screamed at him, pulling on his beard-braids.

"No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..." He kept screaming for five minutes before the authoress bitch-slapped him and kicked him in the balls!

_What did I just do?! I just hurt a very hot man! _The authoress screamed as if she was in pain and helped Jack up. _Start at the beginning! _

Will, Elizabeth, Bootstrap Bill, Beckett, Norrington, Governor Swann, Mr. Brown, Scarlett, Giselle, Gore Verbinski, Jerry Bruckheimer, Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio, Klaus Badelt, Penny Rose, Barbossa, Jack the Monkey, Ragetti, Pintel, Bo'sun, Anamaria, Mr. Cotton, Mr. Cotton's parrot, Gillette, Murtogg, Mullroy, Twigg, Gibbs, Koehlor, Young Will, Young Elizabeth, Grapple, Jacoby, Marty went by in a rush, getting off the set.

"It is a wonderful day," Captain Jack Sparrow said, smiling and making every girl on set swoon and melt in a puddle. But to get them solid he added: "In my underwear."

_That wasn't part of the script!_ The authoress said, holding up the script.

"There's a script?!" Screamed Beckett.

_Beckett? Where are you? _The authoress asked, looking around.

"Down here." He said and everyone looked down.

"Here," Gore said, picking him up and Ted made a table appear so they could put Beckett on it. "Now people can see you."

"I'm taller than him still." Young Will said, looking up at him.

"We know." Elizabeth said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Oh! Now you're after the younger version of me?! God, you are a slut!" Will said, pulling Young Will away from Elizabeth. "He's just a boy!"

"I was just -- " Elizabeth started, but stopped herself, shrugging and started to make out with Jack.

"I cut out my heart for you!"

"No, you actually just laid there, your crew cut out your heart." Mr. Brown slurred, smacking Giselle's ass.

"'Ey!" She screamed, slapping him in the face.

"Giselle, we're whores, we're supposed to let them do that." Scarlett said.

_What is goin' on? Aren't we supposed to be goin' on with the story?!_

"Oh, yeah." People murmered.

_So anyways, Jack was talking about what a great day it was when Barbossa came out of nowhere!_

"AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Jack, pulling out his hair and fainting like a little girl.

_Psst, Jack._

"What?" Jack asked looking at the authoress.

_You're not supposed to faint!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_ The force of her yell toppled many people over.

"Oh... Okay!" He smiled, getting up from his spot.

Barbossa looked at Jack and Jack looked at Barbossa. The camera went back and forth between them. First to Barbossa, Jack, Barbossa, Jack, Barbossa, Jack, Barbosssa, Jack, Barbossa, Jack. Jack, Barbossa. Barbossa, Jack.

_You don't know what you're supposed to be doing do you?_

They nodded and the camera went back and forth between Jack and Barbossa again, but added the authoress. Authoress, Jack, Barbossa. Barbossa, Jack, Authoress. Authoress, Jack, Barbossa. On the final one it showed Barbossa picking his nose and Jack and the Authoress making out.

They pulled apart and she looked at the camera and flipped it off and went back to her seat, the seat right by Gore Verbinski, Jerry Bruckheimer, Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio, Klaus Badelt and Penny Rose.

_Tell__ them what to do, Gore. _

"Just... fight." He said, looking at the script.

"Uhhhh..." Barbossa hesitated, and the authoress sighed.

_WHAT?!_

"Uhhhh..." Barbossa was going to not tell her, but decided against it when he saw her face. "I'm a pacifist."

_Cool! I didn't know that!_

"What's a pacifist?" Many of the pirates and the two children asked.

_A pacifist, children -- _ The authoress was stopped by the pirates who coughed. _And pirates, a pacifist is someone who doesn't believe in fighting._

"But you fought in the first movie!" Governor Swann exclaimed in his sissy voice, combing his hai -- I mean wig.

"That was Geoffrey Rush, and he is an actor. I'm really Barbossa." Barbossa said.

"dude, u r awsom! u should stay wit me. we could be b.f.f. u think." A teenage hippie who likes cellphones said to Barbossa.

_What are you doing here, Dylan?_

"Dylan? What kind of name is 'Dylan'?" Jack the Monkey said, pulling on the authoress's nephew's hair's lice's home's furnature's cockroaches.

_You can call him Weed if you'd like to not have your reproductive system. _The authoress looked upset and embarrassed.

"authoress?" Dyaln said, not using the authoress's name because she didn't want him to, and still speaking cellphone chat. "do u wanna play wit my g.i. joes?"

_No! I want you out! Go see your grandma or something, just don't come here anymore!_

"oh... u dont wan me 2 embarrass u in front of captain jack sparrow!"

Suddenly a fist punched him in the face before he talked about the posters on the wall in her bedroom.

"I think you knocked him out!" Norrington said looking at the authoress with fear.

_Put him in the closet, Anamaria. We won't need him. Gillette, put yourself and the rest of the cast and crew in the Port Royal jail, except for Jack. He can sleep in my bed. _The authoress added under her breathe: _With me._

Let's just say Jack was whimpering with fear.


	2. Chapter Dos

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or anyone involved with it.

Chapter Dos

_I had a life once. It was beautiful. Not that great. But beautiful. You know what? It wasn't beautiful. I didn't have a life. I had a being. Dylan knows._

"no, i dont." Dylan, the cellphone speaking, tree-hugging, superman-loving, freak said.

"You don't, such a pity, I could've used it to destroy you!" Beckett said, looking up at her, obviously tired from lack of sleep.

All of the cast and crew of Pirates of the Caribbean was there sitting on the carpet of the crazed authoress' room. Jack, looking very scared, having slept the night in the authoress' bed, with her, mind you, had taken to sitting in the corner.

_Jack, what is wrong, my crazed captain?_

"You made me sleep naked in your bed. That is what's wrong." Jack said, who crawled over to Elizabeth, who had motioned for him to came towards her.

Will, who saw this, leeped up into the air and cried out, "Elizabeth, you slut!"

_I think I'm the slut in this situation._

Jack, who had pretended to be hurt to get to Will, now leeped up into the air also, "I like sluts."

_Yay!_

"Wait." said Jack, who looked the authoress up and down. "It isn't that bad."

_Alright into position!_

Will, Elizabeth, Bootstrap Bill, Beckett, Norrington, Governor Swann, Mr. Brown, Scarlett, Giselle, Gore Verbinski, Jerry Bruckheimer, Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio, Klaus Badelt, Penny Rose, Barbossa, Jack the Monkey, Ragetti, Pintel, Bo'sun, Anamaria, Mr. Cotton, Mr. Cotton's parrot, Gillette, Murtogg, Mullroy, Twigg, Gibbs, Koehlor, Young Will, Young Elizabeth, Grapple, Jacoby, Jack and Tia Dalma rushed onto the set.

_Hey! Not crew people!_

Gore Verbinski, Jerry Bruckheimer, Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio, Klaus Badelt and Penny Rose went off the set and looked off into space for the time being.

_Jack, say it..._

"Fine! Get to work you scabberous dogs!"

_Thank you! Elizabeth, kiss Will and make up._

"Ew, why?" said Elizabeth, who was looking at Jack until the authoress said _kiss, Will, and make up_ in the same sentence.

"Ew?!" Will screamed.

"Ugh, you look ugly when you're angry."

_I thoroughly agree. All say "aye" if agreed!_

Almost everyone on set or off set, except Mr. Brown and Bootstrap Bill, said Aye.

"God, I hate you all. I quit!" He yelled at the authoress.

_You can't quit. I own you! You're my puppet. I will do to you as I please. It's on your contract._

"What?!" he screamed. He grabbed the contract that was suspended in mid-air. He mumbled as he read. "Um," he said nervously, looking up. "I forgot that I don't know how to read."

_Then it doesn't matter! Stop complaining, admit that Jack's hotter than you, and you may leave._

"Yes! Jack, you're hotter than me, even I want to kiss you!"

Almost everyone shouted, "I knew it!"

_In a 100 years._

"Awww..." Will and Elizabeth said.

Will glared at Elizabeth who said, "What? I want to kiss Jack without you knowing."

"Well, now I know."

"Oh, guess that plan didn't last for long."

_Ya think? I mean, come on Elizabeth, who thought you were that stupid?_

"I knew!" said Jack. "That's how I get her in bed."

"You're impure! Impure!" Will screamed at Elizabeth.

"So?" Elizabeth asked, looking at Will like he was dumb.

_Can someone get back to the script, please?_

Barbossa walked by and very cooly said, "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo."

_Don't back talk me! Yo' my man ho! Ya can't do shit! I am god, you are not. I am class president, you are student. I am Areli, you are Leah--_

"Who the_ hell_ are Areli and Leah?!" Bootstrap cried.

_Did I say that? I didn't mean to... I mean they are real, you are from a _Disney_ movie... based on a _Disney _ride... if Jack Sparrow wasn't _Disney_... he'd be like Wesker from _Resident Evil_..._

**GigglesforJohnnyDepp does not own **_**Resident Evil**_** or **_**Disney **_**at all... she is just... um... making fun... of them?**

_Shut up, disclaimer guy! I don't need your crap!_

"I have a question for you Authoress... Are you making this up as you go along?" Young Liz asked, looking up at the authoress with freakishly big eyes.

_Ummmm... Yes?_

"Wrong answer!" Young Liz screamed.

"Wahh, wahhhhh, wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Young Will hummed.

_That's it! You're all dead... except for Jack... he does not die..._

"Well, I remember killing him..." Elizabeth said.

_Never died... will __**not**__ die... and you did not kill him!_

"Bu--"

_**Never!**_


End file.
